Just for today

There is much to be grateful for and I am grateful.
I am moved to heights of thankfulness to God for allowing me moments today of hope and joy and beauty.
My ever present mistake has been believing that such moments were my right and should be my constant companions.
Among them, comfort, security, happiness.
Lord you are the author of such beauty as to make my heart sing and rejoice to behold the sights and sounds of it.
What a privilege to watch chickens lay eggs.
See quail eat along side doves and listen to their titters and mournful cries;
See hummingbirds and butterflies flutter around me and bees gathering from blossom laden fruit trees.
How regal the deer crossing the lower pasture in a spread out gathering of five and six heading to the waters.
Yellow birds, woodpeckers, chickadees, red robins and pheasants, eagles, hawks, and wild turkeys; common sights on our land or in the sky.
Racoons, coyotes, muskrat, skunk and porcupine gracing us with an occassional visit.
Ducks and geese and grey herring dwelling below us in noisy mating ritual.
Sometimes in hush I hear crickets and frogs.
Best of all my kittens who play to the tune of my heart strings and create laughter for my soul.
Todd who is a clown and a child like my beloved husband.
Cody who is a loyal and jealous creature like myself.
Sugar Bear, my fading queen of queenslands who's eyes dim but stay ever so bright with love and eager joy for her two undeserving masters.
But finally, my handsome beloved; blonde & tan and strong and........here.
Always here...........this close to my greatest desire in life and a want that shall never die.
So, here now I thank you again God.
May I not forget.
Please help me to honor you always and in all ways.

Election day Spirit-Shot this in Maine USA

Mom/ Two days before Surgery

Mortality

Today my mother is undergoing heart surgery.
I am not too anxious about it but the emotions are slippery so when I least expect it I imagine her not making it through and I get a big golf ball in my throat and a tear or two will slide down my cheek.

There is no one in this life who will take her place.
Not now. Not ever.
No one has ever loved me as well as she.
Probably no one ever will.

She has been an angel on earth.
A bulwark against evil and lonliness.
The master of acceptance and forgiveness.
I need another 20 years with her......OK God?

Oh Brother Where Art Thou

This is not a blog with profound insights. Advice is NOT welcome.
However, I want to say.......have to say.........
On this beautiful and lonely day.......
Where are my loved ones?

Some people are unfortunate in the way of family and have none.
Some people in the way they cannot get along with their families.
My situation is that for whatever reason our family members choose to be somewhere
else; Always,
Like a disease of restlessness or maybe they think it imperative destiny.
Almost as though they search for profundity in their lives to account for themselves.

But wait! I am the poor sick one who has no goals for great "Service to God" and
wishes only to sit at the family circle.
Cursed melancholy am I who longs for the smiles and embraces of my brothers and sisters and children.
I feel sure I will never know another time of friendship with either of my brothers
this side of heaven.
I mourn for them like they were dead.
And my children?
Maybe they will come back to me someday;
children of their own in tow.
For this I pray.

Sounds like self pity doesn't it?
Maybe, but I don't dwell on this.
From time to time the lonliness and grief sweeps over me and I cry the tears
of one who is bereft.
This is the reality of life sometimes.
I came from a large family and had a large family and its fact that everyone is gone.
This is a painful time in my life.
I thank God for my mother and step father in my life right now.
They truly are my best friends.

What a hot topic this could be for judgement and morality.
Who will rob me of my right to grieve?

Nelson's Country Store Update

Always changing.
Rearranging.

It never looks the same.
And yet, always familiar.

And even as I post these pictures
another change will take place.

Because fall comes swiftly,
with Christmas on its heels.

And with it a whole new batch of
pictures and posts.

Nelson's Country Store/updated photos

Nelson's Country Store- updated photos

Nelson's Country Store - updated photos

Nelson's Country Store updated photos

Nelson's Country Store- updated photos

Nelson's Country Store /updated photos

Family Reunion in Redding Calif.

My grandaughter & Hubby in Yellowstone (sigh)

My sis, My hubby & Me

Wastelands

I should have more fear than this....
Stepping out of the safety net of the perfectionist relationship with God.
Not casting aside all sense of duty or morality but laying aside the striving to keep and hold on to a moment of recovery and stability that apparently wasn't meant to continue in the same way.
So, I guess I'm spinning because even though I have let go the wheel I haven't
exactly turned it over to God either.
I feel nowhere but don't mind it too much either.
I'm enjoying relaxing a little.
I guess I am a little confused because I know my head does not want God to tell me anything but my heart is still asking for his guidance.
I am angry about a lot of things.
And I am getting fat over it.
I am living in a wasteland that has milk and honey everywhere.

Am I an artist?

Tonight my husband and I had dinner with a couple that we both know from our work related areas of expertise.
She, a realtor, like my husband.
He, an artist; a potter who sells retail in a shop, like me. (A gift shop owner)
As we got to know eachother by way of relating our work experience I was asked about my talents somehow. I cannot remember how she worded the question.
But I recall that I launched into the opportunity to talk about myself.
So, what else is new? :-)
I told them that I was an artist.
As I enjoyed talking about this subject I also had a keen awareness of my need to validate my self proclaimed title of "artist".
I felt a panic in my ego; a doubt about whether I deserved this title or not.
What is it I would need in the way of proof to really deserve this title?
Is an artist born an artist? Or is there a level of production necessary to qualify?
Is it schooling? Is it opinion of others?
Art is an enigmatic career that has very little to do with fact or figures.
I am not a mathamatician unless I have had a certain level of schooling and experience that proves this to be true.
How about art?
Do blog site entries qualify me as a writer?
How about my unpublished book of poetry?
It was funny to watch and hear myself trying to persuade myself and these fine
folks of my right to the title of "artist" by naming the few things I'd done.
All subjective stuff.
I guess I really believe that we are born to our destiny and that these gifts are
given us at birth.
Passion for something isn't just learned, its also imprinted on our souls at conception.
I am an artist. As I live I become more of who I already am;
a larger and more experienced version of myself.
If asked a question of this nature in the future I might answer this way.....
I was born artistic and I am becoming more of an artist all the time.
That would really be a truth that needed no justification.
Blessings to our friends who we enjoyed eating with tonight.
It was lovely.

I have been on the computer all morning reading other peoples blog sites and commenting on their deep thoughts and I come to my blog site with an empty head.
I have too much work to do and I am soooo busy.
I am remodeling parts of my store and I am moving this Sunday to my new house.
Do I have enough to do?

This blogging world is so rewarding that I have to tear myself away from my
computer this minute or I will pay a price.
Can you relate?

God is teaching me so much that I want to talk about.
I hope I get the chance.

Let her cry

I just wrote an e-mail to a woman friend of mine.
Shocking what came out of my head into my fingertips.
I regaled her with a sarcastic story of my life as it is right now and did not realize how incredibly burdened I was.
What keeps us human beings in so much denial of how difficult life is?
Were we taught that its best if we don't complain?
Did that teaching push us into the only solution to the pain;
to pretend it does not exist?
Unloading feels good.
I think its akin to confession.
I should feel guilty for the bashing but I do not.
I feel lighter.
I feel justified.
How silly to ask myself why I woke up feeling bad.
Duh!
My life is hard right now.
No doubt it could easily get harder and the tools for overcoming unchanged.
Here is the "But" of it.......
I want to relate to another human being.
I think its ok for someone to say "Damn, I'm glad I'm not you right now".
Or maybe they would say "That really sucks Becky. You must be hurting."
"Yeah" I'd cry.
But few are sympathetic anymore.
The whole world wants to correct the problem and correct you for a bad attitude
and pretend that life is not hard.
Did the fellow inmates with Corrie Tenboom in the concentration camp tell her
"girl, you gotta look at the bright side, at least your not dead."
No doubt they wept together and prayed hard.
Their joy was a result of endurance and acceptance of God's will.
Did Job in the old testament laugh it off when his children were taken from him?
Ah well, lets look at the bright side and be glad I'm still alive.
Or worse yet, try to find a way to pin the bad times on his own bad behavior.
His friends kept trying to find ways to alleviate the uncomfortable truth that
sometimes life sucks.
That would make it easier for them.
Whereas I hate self pity, it is a fine line between that and there being a time
to wear sack cloth and throw ashes on your head because you need to mourn.
So, let her cry.

New Haircut-New Wrinkles. Time goes too quickly.

Evil

I received a comment by someone called the Godfather on my last blog which I promptly erased. A sad person full of hate for women and one who must have been thoroughly abused by a woman in their youth or childhood.
It put me in mind of the very subject I have been trying to reason out in my head for the last year.
Its the subject of evil.

I think these next paragraphs will explain what I really believe about evil.
I am not the author of this next story but I wish I was.


The University professor challenged his students with this question.

"Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied, "Yes he did!"

"God created everything?" The professor asked.

"Yes sir", the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor, quite pleased with himself, boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460? F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name -- Albert Einstein

Just

I've noticed that I am silent when I struggle with life.
I don't lose wisdom. Nor words or thoughts.
Shame ties my tongue.

The truth about us

I am becoming more and more convinced as time goes by that there is
NOTHING human beings do, think, or say that is not about themselves.
Not one thing.

Am I a pessimist to believe this way?

I venture to say the most heroic and seemingly selfless act is at least
partly corroded with mixed or ulterior motives involving the ego.

In saying that, I must admit that I don't think it is all bad.

The truth about us is that we don't want to believe the truth about us.

If we hold on to the idea of some goodness in ourselves we then hold on to the idea that we do not need to be saved from ourelves.

It is most human to want to take credit for our own goodness and our own badness.

I think we are not responsible for either inbred characteristic.

It was forknown and predestined that we would be subject to evil.
It was forknown and predestined that we would have goodness in us because of God.

If I beat myself up for committing a sin I am prone to do I waste my salvation.
If I take credit for the kind acts I do, I am deceived by pride.

Lest I seem too way out for some.......
I will tell what I think I am responsible for.

I am responsible to be the best guardian possible of the vessel in which my soul lives and the best steward of my inborn talents and gifts and to give all praise to the one who "giveth and taketh away".

I am nothing apart from Him.

However, I am so sinful and so flawed that yes I will take great pleasure in the applause I get after a solo I have sung. Yes, I will beam with delight when I notice someone staring at my face. I really get a kick out of the comments of I hear of my abilities to run a country store and make it warm and wonderful to be in.

But seriously folks........Did I mold my eyes and nose and lips?
Did I go to some school to learn to decorate in my infancy or was not the love and passion already there from birth? My vocal chords were formed in the womb.
I was born to sing.
Who can we kid but ourselves into believing that we deserve credit?

When makeup goes on my face it is a simple enhancement of the beauty already there.
When I tune up my voice it is a feeble attempt on improving the art of voice that
God created. Oh great acheiver that I am thinking I will win praise.
I think I will win merit.
I think I will win deserving and worth.
In whose eyes?
WHAT FOR?

My heart yearns to be good enough.
But I cannot even win brownie points with God.

The only thing I can say good about myself
When I look at all my good qualities and my bad is.....
"Wow, look what GOD has done".
Now thats real self esteem.

The Boat

One day as I sat upon the shore I watched a man and woman wrangling away.

Said the man to the woman in his spiffy little boat, "leave them there. I like them that way".

They struggled over oil rags that stopped up all the leaks that kept his little dingy afloat.

Said she, "I did not know they meant so much. Why don't you fix the boat?"

I stifled laughter to hear more and watched for his response. I had wondered too.

What meant those rags so safely guarded that caused the fight between the two?

He slowly spoke with sad expression; pain behind each word......
"Well, this one rag is for Karen. I loved her very much. She slipped and fell
and caused a leak that I remember well".

"This one here's for Karen two. Another one I knew. She caused a leak that was so big I cannot begin to tell".

"That rag over there, now that ones pretty new.

Jeannetes her name who caused that leak so here's the thing I do.

I keep these leaks and stop them up in memory of them.

I won't remove them lest I sink. I must remember when.

If they are gone what will I have to hold on to the past?

The cross I wear is to keep them there so my love for them will last."

The woman said to he, "I think I understand. But these are all a sadness that rags cannot make right.

You sell your present for the past on a hope that they just might......?

My love, I fear I do intrude upon your love affair

with ghosts of failure in your past and I cannot compare.

Please turn this little boat around. I wish to go to shore.

Your boat is full of oil rags. You don't need anymore."
--------------

Well, that was that and so I took my leave right then and there.

I feared to look upon his face shadowed with despair.

But I would learn a thing or two by watching them that day.

By watching the couple in the boat who sat and wrangled away.

The way cool Christmas present

Our house is selling this month.
We have to be out by January 10th.
Its inventory month and the busiest time of the year in our store.
We have looked and looked and lost hope of finding a new home.
We have been stressed out to the max!
But something happened yesterday.

In my wildest imaginations I could not have seen how it would be possible for God to provide an affordable house that had "all" that we wanted.
But He did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everything about the whole deal had God's fingerprints all over it.
How did he do that?
Did he materialize these people and this property in the last week?
But it must have existed all along.
It was meant just for us and was waiting just for us.
A day later or even an hour later and it would have gone to someone else.
Its one of those.......:-)
We had a list of wishes a mile long.
But they were infeasible!
Here is what we have.........
The house is in the tiny little town of Victor in the same valley which we now live.
That is where I wanted to live when I first saw the valley.
Only 8 miles to work in Corvallis.
Our house is walking distance to the town of Victor. Grocery store. Restaurant. Gas station. Only a half mile!
Flat roads and neighborhoods for bike riding endlessly.
Beautiful walks.
We are in a neighborhood with other people in close proximity. (Good community feeling)
Always wanted to live in a neighborhood and have wilderness too.
Impossible.
We have complete privacy. (except for the front yard)
Beautiful aspens and maple type trees gracing the front yard.
A small manicured lawn out front.
A double car attached garage. I love attached garages!!!
The outside of the house is log facade. Looks like a cabin w/o the fly problem.
Inside the house is mostly wood floors in circular sawn rough hewn pine.
The walls are log facade.
A cavernous basement with tons of storage and guest space. Finished.
2200 square feet. 1.5ish acres. Not too much to care for.
Beautiful wood stove in the kitchen.
Central heat.
Everything seems to be wood with a healthy balance of dry wall for decorating.
Out the back door is a patio that looks out over the most incredible view of river property you have ever seen anywhere.
There are acres and acres of reserve behind us that is totally at our disposal.
Nobody frequents there because access is so difficult so its virtually ours!
Our property sort of cliffs off to a meadow down below but just before the edge
sits a strewn out little forest of pine trees with one HUGE OLD ponderosa pine in the middle. On our property!!!!!!!
Down in the meadow is built a campfire pit with benches all around.
Beyond that is the easement road for the adjoining neighbors.
Beyond that is the reserve which is shared with only four other neighbors at the most.
It begins with an iced over creek that is perfect for iceskating.
The land is thick with cotton wood and beaver dams and teeming with wildlife.
The river has one particular spot with beach sand and swimming hole.
My very own!!! I love water and laying out in the sun.
Birds will come to our property in scores in spring and summer.
This whole set up reminds me of a movie I've seen.
Like the Chronicles of Narnia.
Everything is so civilized outside the closet and then you pass through to a wonderland that you would never have know was there.
That is exactly what it is like!
There can be no other opportunities like this in all of the valley that would still be priced in our price range.
It does not exist except right beside us at our neighbors homes.
God is so good.
I am awed and humbled and believe more than ever that there is nothing
that He cannot do.
I don't know, I kinda suspect he created this property just this week. ;-)
I am soooo happy.
Thank you God.
We have only two months to wait.
Meanwhile we will be camped out at my mothers house in her beautiful studio apartment since our house is sold and we need to be out by January 10th.
God looks after every detail when it is in his will and good pleasure.
The Lord is sovereign and powerful and beautiful and generous.
He has brought us through so much trial for our own good and his promise to build our character to be more like his own. No doubt that HAS been happening.
But he also gives us holidays and goodies along the way.
I feel like a child and my daddy has just given me a way cool Christmas present.
Thank you , Thank you, Thank you God.

Rejection

I'm not sure my age when it happened.
Thirteen, fourteen...fifteen?
You know, that age when you feel like everything you do is done blindfolded;
bumbling, shy and stupid?
I was particularly aware of such clumsy insecurity in the context of my youth group.
I felt fat and unworthy of any popularity or attention.
But it did not stop my desire to get it.
I latched on to some "friends" at the time that were not really my friends for the simple fact that they gave me the smallest credit for being alive.
I felt a beggar. I acted a beggar.
At that same time in my life I had a major crush on a young man from my youth group named Bruno.
Ever true I was attracted to the "troubled" sort of boys and thought this one uniquely exciting. And cute? Oh yes, indeed.
Short in height, dark hair and eyes and dark complexion.
Mysterious. Trouble.
I told my "friends" how much I liked this boy.
I was too shy to tell him so I relied upon an offer by my "friends" to let him know.
Up till that time I had received no attention from Bruno.
But one night at youth group we took a field trip that called for a ride in
"the Van".
We all squished in and as luck would have it I was right next to Bruno.
I was breathless and frightened and thrilled to no end.
Since the van was crammed it was pure joy for me to have my shoulder and arm pressed hard against his!
The absolute climax of the evening was when he reached over and took my hand!!!!!!!
"He must like me", I thrilled in thought.
This was too good to be true.
Sure, and it was; too good to be true.
For the very next day as I expounded on the tiny details of the story to my
"friends" they looked at one another slyly and busted out laughing as one of the girls explained carelessly that it was all a set up.
Bruno cared nothing for me but was playing along with their joke.
I wish I could recall for you and for myself what I did next;
what I thought, what I felt.
I don't remember. I'm good at that.
But I have a vague feeling of a memory of hate that followed me through the years.
I never forgave these girls.
They were not my friends.
Not only was the hoax about the boy but about my friendships too.
I stood betrayed by them all in one fell swoop;
my first real experience with cruelty for cruelty's sake.
Only four years ago did I find forgiveness for them.
For years I pictured revenge.
But even as I claim a clearing of the wreckage of my past there still remain
little reminders that bring it back up like bile in my throat.
A word or a deed that bears a resemblence to this event can conjure up the insecurities and the oft repeated words of self condemnation........
"why should anyone like you?".

Forgiveness is a process. As is healing.
When those thoughts and events repeat themselves I must and I do remember
most of the time to take those thoughts captive.
I seize upon the lie and tell myself the truth according to God and according to myself. I will not share those truths now.
But some of that truth is this;
I am lovable. Most of the time, I am lovable.
But when I am not, and a lot of times I am not (by people) I can lean on the knowledge of God's unfailing intimacy with me and total acceptance and concern.

I don't know what led up to this memory just this morning.
I guess it was a small fear of rejection in the group arena.
Last night was homegroup and I caused controversy within.
So what else is new?

Well, even as I wrote this story I had another catch in my throat.
After all these years?
Life can be cruel.
This time, my way of holding captive these thoughts is to share them with you.
Thanks for listening.

The Doughnut Shop

This was an observation writing assignment from my creative writing class in 2003.


My car is large.
People know it in this town.
It occurs to me to worry a bit as I pull into the towns
biggest and best doughnut shop.
But I plow ahead in order to "observe".
I open the door to be greeted by the aroma of
rich smelling coffee and sweet maple syrup.
I am lifted swiftly back to mornings at summer camp or
Saturdays at home with the family eating pancakes or french toast.
This aroma having such close association to pleasant things is a
wicked and two edged sword.
I sit here in a sort of memoriam for a habit long ago crucified;
The one that tried to kill me with kindness
as I fed myself false kisses of sweet glaze and creamy chocolate.
Still I forge ahead on this mission and
I find myself a seat with decaf in hand.
I am so charmed by blue ruffled curtains on the windows that frame the streets outside which are lined with huge puffy trees so intensely green they cast a hue on all things under them.
There is so much noise as this little shop is hopping.
A woman directly across the way is staring at me.
She is weathered and heavy with big false teeth and big false grin.
I am a curiosity, a newcomer to those who are regulars here.
And there are a few regulars.
This makes itself clear by the complaint I hear behind me from a large group of elderly folks saying "Where are all the regulars this morning?"
I feel like apologizing and leaving because I am not familiar to them.
As I watch the steady stream of customers trail in and out
I notice that most are overweight.
The ones who are brave stay and read the paper.
Most get their sales over quickly either from hurry
or self-consciousness, I surmise.
Interesting, there is rarely a sale of just one doughnut.
I suspect that no one can eat just one.
A large group of kids come for last minute feedings before school.
Two young kids looking like brother and sister sit eating in silence and
I wonder if mom and dad sent them off with a five dollar bill.
The very young and the very old are here at the doughnut shop at the same time.
Oldsters are early birds...
Youngsters are too.
What a contrast.
But now the children go to school and the faces and bodies morph to middle age.
One lady I observe is someone that I know from a local karaoke joint.
I know she has an eating disorder and I become sleuth to satisfy my curiosity
about the number of doughnuts she buys.
She purchased half a dozen.
Will she share or will she purge?
The place is quieting down now.
Quieter still because the deaf couple in the corner make no noise
as they speak to one another with waves of the hand and shaping of fingers.
I grin serenely as I enjoy the love passing between these two.
I pick up my books and walk over to the cashier to throw down my last ten cents
for the refill.
As I leave, I carry with me the vision of two old people enjoying their life
and moments in the doughnut shop eating and sharing.
I picture myself at the end of my youth
approaching the door of that same doughnut shop.......
But first I must lay down my cross; walk in unburdened; free at last,
Then, I will eat doughnuts........

A Passion for Christmas

All my life I have loved Christmas.
You might say I have a passion for it.
This year I have thought long and hard about why that is.
Naturally, there is the great child like greed for gifts and games on Christmas morning. But this has brought many a disappointment to me and others as well.
So, it couldn't be just that.
There is the family gathering that allows the feel good sentiments of security
(me and you against the world) that mush our hearts and fill us with joy.
This also has disappointed greatly, me and a myriad of others at times.
I guess winter and its tingly cold and contrast of warm lights against bleak skies
can cheer ones heart. Certainly it does work on me that way.
But we have to take those lights down and with that activity we feel a let down.
So that isn't it.
And ah, there is the food!!!!
The wonder of egg nog and fruit cake and pumkin pie could tempt me to keep Christmas
for the feasting alone.
But I could get those foods any time if I wanted.
What is the real magic of Christmas?
What is it my friends?

I feel like a Who from Who-ville because even if you took all those accoutrements
away Christmas would still live on in my heart.
There is only one reason I really love Christmas and its the same for the world out there though they may not know it.
It is the great reminder of the hope that lives in us all.
"For unto us is born this day in the City of David, a savior, which is
Christ the Lord"
We are not forsaken or abandoned. Good news!!
He has come to bring peace on earth and good will to men.

Though my childhood memories are muddled with the accoutrements of Christmas
my heart recalls best of all the Christmas eve service when we gathered with our
fellow man and sang praise songs of Christmas glory to our God and thanked him for
his great gift of Salvation. We lit the candles and sang silent night and all
knew in their hearts what Christmas was all about.

So, bring on the bangles and hoo haws and feasting because it is such a reason
to celebrate. I love it all. I give you a gift on Christmas morning as a small
symbol of the greatest gift of all. I smile at you with extra joy this season
because I am happy knowing I have hope.
I could do this all year long but we take this time out to give it more due.
Though others may try to malign and disfigure this holiday; though it may be muddled with pagan rituals from other regions, it changes not one iota of the truth it holds in my heart.
I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!
I LOVE YOU LORD!!!!

Realistic Love

This is Christmas Time... Its Christmas time

Our tree under hoar frost

Hubby getting chubby

Fingernail Fetish

One day I was taking out boxes for Christmas decorating.
I gave some thought to protecting my back by picking up boxes in a correct manner.
I didn't give ANY thought to protecting my acrylic finger nails.
As I picked one up it started to slip out of my hands.
I clutched and clawed to prevent dropping it.
And then "rip" goes my index finger nail.
A layer of my natural nail going with it.
I screamed bloody murder and let out a few colorful words.

My next move was what any normal person would do.
Remove them all.
I got to my nail tech as soon as possible and explained that I had enough.
We discussed my "withdrawal" symptoms that would soon happen as a result of doing without these fine looking alternatives to ugly fingernails and homely hands.
These withdrawal symptoms were something I was familiar with from the past.
I would look around at all these ladies nice looking nails and get finger nail envy.
I just had to have nice looking hands.
You must understand that my fingers are stubby and chubby.
A definite negative to my overall beauty. ;-)
Once I had finally gotten them for the first time I felt all tingly and beautiful.
One particular event I remember made this need for nails all the more necessary.
I was working at a convenience station and stocking shelves with bottles of power
drinks. Some decent looking man came up behind me and out of the blue says to me.
"You have beautiful hands".
I said "thank you" with a sputter and immediately withdrew my hands from sight.
He couldn't be serious, you know.
I mean, I KNEW my hands were ugly.
That cemented the absolute belief that I would not do without them again.

Well, here I am 3 years later and acrylic free!!!
No withdrawal. No regret. No embarrassment.
Just plain relief.
I can type faster. I can pick up coins off my cash counter.
I can open car doors without worry of breakage.
I can pick my nose without worry of nose bleed.

Yes, my hands are pretty homely now.
My nails are cracked and split and kinda dirty looking.
But I do not flinch.
I have not quite figured out why until now.
There was one good result of the acrylic escapade.
I began to believe that my hands were beautiful.
This thought pattern did not leave me.
I have fallen in love with MY hands.
Just because they are mine.
Isn't it all in the way you think?
What you think is what you are I have heard said.
I embrace all that I am as meant to be.
God gave my hands to me.

Maybe I will get acrylics again someday.
I don't know.
But it does not surprise me that this would happen with all my talk about
being real and honest.
Maybe the physical counts too.

Down side to Honesty

Sometimes I'm a jerk.
Shouldn't that be OK with me?
I mean, who am I kidding anyway?
Do I think I have everyone fooled?

If I stew too long in my self hatred, depression and non acceptance of the grace that belongs to me......do I not throw God's gift back in his face?
I am not expected to be perfect.
Why do I expect it of myself?
Why should I be so bummed if people find out who I really am?

Oh pride. I did not know I had so much.
An old friend gave me a bumper sticker for my car that I displayed proudly
saying "It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not." There goes that honesty and 'being real' subject again.

Being real and honest means people will find out my ugly side too.
That is the hardest part.
Sometimes I am ugly and I don't want to know it.
In Gods outstretched hand there is a jar of salve freely given for the wounds I have caused by being a jerk.
The wound of the other and the wound in my pride.
I need to let this salve heal me and bring me to the knowledge of humility.
How would we ever know God's grace if we never knew failure?

Stange, this picture of acheivement I have.
I see myself at a perfect weight, living in a nice big home with perfect privacy
and a well run store with no debt and then... and then........
and then what? I will look perfect? Life will be perfect?
I want to live in this moment and not be driven.
I see it so frequently and not just in myself.
I see us living frantically in the moment just to get to the next one that might be better. Ah well, I jump around now in my thoughts.

My only goal here is to convince myself to lay hold of the grace and the forgiveness that is mine today and be free of the guilt and shame that plagues me.
Because.......its plaguing me. How's that for honesty?

Momma's Birthday

It was my mothers birthday yesterday.
70 years old.
We all forgot.

But the day was redeemed because she reminded us.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease. :-)

It wasn't a case of not caring.
My mother knows we love her. Everyday.

But there is something special about a family gathering.
We gathered.
At Perkins. What a feast!!!!!!!!

We parted ways to get gifts for mom.
We joined up again in a couple of hours and all were tired but pleased to plunk down.

My sister brought a project of homemade-pretzel-making for her sons school assignment.
We gathered round with coffee mugs in hand to watch and were soon drawn in and all were making cool shapes with this doughy substance.
She sprinkled cinnamon sugar on it and guess what? We feasted again.
Save one pretzel for the teacher.

We sat down to give gifts to mom.
She read the card and wept.
She opened the gifts and wept again.
We put the "gift" into the CD player and all sang along to a collection of beloved hymns while visiting around the table.
I looked around at the faces of my family as I sat there singing and felt a rush of gratitude for one of lifes most simple pleasures.
Harbor.

It isn't often that we get to experience this wonder of united hearts without shame or embarrassment of the intimacy that was taking place.
No, it is a gift indeed.
The healing of our lives have brought us to new heights in our relationships.
Years ago this never would have happened.

I know better than to hope that it will last forever, this moment of time in the little valley of Montana.
Times like these come in spurts.
But I am convinced that I will be staying by my mothers side for as long as I can.
Eternity is forever but this life is short.
God is giving me the desires of my heart.

Relief

Yesterday I was in such sadness for so long because of our missing kitty.
I knew I had to drag myself to work and it would not be easy.
Every step I took was so slow and deliberate.
I got stronger as the morning went on.
But as I was reaching for my coat to leave, upon lifting it Codys toy came flying out from under and landed on the floor.
A fresh wave of tears engulfed me and I was thinking "damn, I just put on my makeup".
I made it to work and started to feel a little refreshed.
I was there for about two hours and my husband comes waltzing through the door with a Cody on his shoulder.
I about fainted with joy and relief.
My knees went week as I grabbed for the cat and plopped onto the floor with him.
I cried and exclaimed and questioned.
"Where did you find him?!"
My husband says to me "Well, I prayed and asked God for a word".
Apparently the word was "meow" because that is what he heard next.
Bob had been prowling the area off and on quite a bit not wanting to give up;
looking in strange and unlikely places just like me.
But he wandered down to our chicken coop where the fence ajoins the neighbors yard.
He looked AGAIN in the shed and heard the cry.
My cat does not meow.
Apparently he does meow when times are rough.
But Bob said it was pretty sad sounding.
He looked over the fence and realized the sound was coming from next door so he rounded the fence into the neighbors yard thinking "it has to be him".
He followed the sound and kicked away some leaves and underneath was a skunktrap
with a little Cody in it.
What are the odds?
The odds that it would happen like this in a long ago abandoned cage or that he would even find it.
God is good.
All the time.
And thank you husband for loving this cat as much as I and bringing him back to me.

Loss

About 6 months ago I had to endure a grief I have not felt since my dad died.
Our family cat was put to sleep.
I watched.
I died over and over in my head for about two weeks as I relived the sight of his last breath slipping away.
Why does grief feel like WE are dying when we still live on?
About 4 1/2 months ago I got a new kitten.
We named him Cody, short for Codependent because he was so clingy and affectionate.
What a sweet replacement.
Just what my heart had needed.
Yesterday he was lost.
Today I die again.
It took all evening and morning before the truth would settle in.
I was looking for something in my office and thought I heard his typical feeble squeak (my cat does not meow) from under my bed.
Reality shot through me as hope seered through my brain.
I started calling everywhere and looking in closets and places he couldn't possibly be. Then I broke. I am screaming and sobbing and making foreign gutteral sounds.
It feels like death. But I am not dying.
I am living. I am living in pain.
All the joy of this week has been erased in one fell swoop.
And if I feel this pain am I not trusting God?
Am I not one with God?
Heaven knows......
I am closer to Jesus Christ than I have ever been.
I know more than ever what the heart of God is.
How he suffers over the loss and want of us.
He lets us out like kittens through the front door to live our lives.
Always hoping we will come back.
But sometimes we just don't.

May I always allow myself this time of sorrow and not fetter it with guilt
and doubt. "In this world you will have trouble" was a pretty accurate statement
that Jesus made. I cannot fix it. I cannot do anything but cry and go through that blessed cycle of recovery. But the difference now for me is that I know better than to fall in to self-pity and make such self defeating statements as "life sucks"
and "I wish I could die".
God is good.
All the time.

So, I just went outside to get another log for the fire.
My cat is not there.
I sign off now because my eyes are blinded by tears.

The Waitress

You go to a restaurant.
You always notice the waitress.
She is at least a little bit pretty.
But most of the time very attractive.
She captivates your attention.
She tries to be cute or funny or conversational or very efficient......
Whatever it takes to draw you into her favor.
She works hard on her feet all day so she has your sympathies.
You wonder what she is really like and you must find out if you can draw something different from her than all the rest of the "joes" she waits on.
This will make you special.
You want to win HER favor........
The two of you marry and she is still doing all the same things she did as a waitress but somehow you are not as interested anymore.
She has lost her mystique.
So you both go to a restaurant.
You always notice the waitress.
She is at least a little bit pretty.
But most of the times very attractive.
She captivates your attention.
She tries to be cute or funny or conversational or very efficient.......
Whatever it takes to draw you into her favor.
She works hard on her feet all day so she has your sympathies.
You wonder what she is really like and you must find out if you can draw something
different from her than all the rest of the "joes" she waits on.
This will make you special.
You want to win HER favor........Still?

Yeah, its a sermon I guess

I believe that if I wrote all happy and cheerful thoughts and poems on my blogsite that no one would read them.
Everyone would know I was full of s&%t.
I was told once that the reason we read is so we can relate.
Same reason we talk to one another, I surmize.
So how much could you get from someone who was always sweetness and light and everything is just honky dory.
I don't want to talk to those people.
I know they are full of s&%t.
They are hiding for the sake of appearance.
Or they have been hurt in the past or have been trained from childhood not to
talk about feelings. Whatever the reason, they are useless to me because I have a need to know that my suffering and my pain is something that is "common to man".
Albeit, I may feel some satisfaction in the others downfall so I don't feel so bad about myself. Yes, we do too!!!!! :-)

The thing I am trying to say is that if we hide ourselves from others we do ourselves and others no favor in life.
The most loving thing you can do for another is be real.
Brutally real.
Tell the truth.
Of course, propriety and discretion is called for at times.
But we use this as an excuse far too often.
The intense need for relating that people have is very rarely met.
We are a lonely people.
The busy internet proves it.
But the internet is a poor place to relate because it allows too much anonymity and we are tempted to be false.

A pastor once told me that he needed to not let his congregation know about his struggles and dared not try to be transparent with them.
Why? The congregation would lose trust in him and trust in God.
Oh brother.
Church is the first place you would expect to find honesty and transparency put forth as a worthy example.
It is quite rare to find in any church.
Even the pastors who say they are being transparent and preach about it are still not doing it themselves.
I love my 12 step groups for how opposite they are from church.
"Hi, I am Becky and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater"
Admission of who we are right off the get go automatically puts us equal with eachother and judgement kind of floats out the window.
We all know why we are there.
To overcome what we all know lurks behind every corner in our daily lives.
Its called sin and failure.
Who goes to church to learn how to overcome sin and failure?
No one that I know does.
Most people say they just want to learn more about God.
Since I was 28 years old I have not stepped foot in a church that was not bound for signs and wonders and "feel good" sentiments from God.
Very little was said about character;
That God was powerful enough to set us free truly from addictions and emotional pain.
There was always this magical Holy Spirt experience that you could have that would somehow transform you without you having to lift a finger or a pen or open your mouth for confession of sin.
Well, there is a how and a why of it.
There is a logical spelled out way of freedom from bondage.
In large part, it requires what I have begun saying in my blog.....
Getting real;
Throwing fear away and telling someone who you really are.
And of course there is so much more than what I could write here but.....
I fear I may be preaching or harping.
But if I preach.....maybe that is why I like to blog.
Afterall, when will anyone else get a chance if there is only one man hogging the pulpit of every church.

Heaven?

Is heaven a place to go?
Or is it a state of being?

Is it an appointed time and place of perfection that God has planned for us?
Or a possibility within our reach at this very moment?

The question to this answer is the crux of the whole matter of
"Heaven on earth".

Is "thy kingdom come" a prayer for heaven to be placed on earth now or an asking for and proclamation of the inevitable future?

Are some saying and believing that God meant for heaven to actually be on earth now as it is spoken of in scripture as -no more tears, no more sadness, no more sin, no more sickness, no more hatred between brothers, and perfect oneness with Christ?

Can the enemy be destroyed before Christ comes back?

Just what are you saying anyway?

Paul the apostle clearly stated that God would not remove the thorn in his flesh in spite of all faith and prayer. He was content with the answer "no" from God.
Gosh people.........God says no sometimes.
That doesn't sound like heaven to me.

I believe that Christ lives in me.
I am made perfect in Him. (righteous)
Therefore his Kingdom lives in me.
I am a "piece" and "part" of heaven that is invading earth.
But I do not make this earth into heaven by my presence just as Jesus did not.
Before Christs coming there will be unthinkable suffering among God's people.
He foretold it. That does not sound like heaven to me.
Heaven is relief from all that.
But heaven can reign in me as an individual.
I may go to my death in great physical agony and still have perfect peace.
Being a christian does not barr suffering and pain.

Gosh people.....Just what are you trying to say?
I'd really like to know.........

I heard it in a meeting.......

There once was a man and his boy that lived in a village in somewheresville.
This man had a fine horse that one day ran away.
The news spread in the village and many commented "Oh how awful this is. You must be devestated."
The man calmly said "I do not know if this is good or bad but I know that it just is."
A week later the horse came back and the reason for its leaving became apparent upon the arrival or 7 mares that came following after. The villagers cried "Wow, what good fortune! This is a very good thing!!!"
The man calmly said "I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I know that it just is."
One day the man's son was riding one of the mares and the horse reared and off tumbled the son who sustained long lasting, serious injuries to his foot and ankle.
Again the villagers expressed their opinion, "This is awful for you. You must feel very discouraged".
The man said his usual response..."I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing but I just know that it 'is'.
Weeks later war broke out in their country and all young men were called; except the mans son. Ah, well, we know what the villagers said.
And we know what the man said.
I wonder who had more peace?
The moral of the story?
We are not to judge the circumstances or events of our lives.
But calmly trust that what is, is.....for a reason.

My desk

Divine Discontentment

On Sunday I went to church.
In the sermon the pastor spoke of many things but the words "embrace divine discontentment" jumped out at me.
He said that our discontentment in certain areas isn't always just our difficult cirmcumstances.
Perhaps it is God trying to move us on to more and deeper meaning in our lives.
I paraphrase his words loosely.
But something in that idea made me shed a tear.
Well, actually, I got a golfball in my throat and my eyes watered horrifically and snot ran down the back of my throat. (no one was gonna see me cry)
This idea spoke to me because I keep dealing with this huge discontent in my life
since I moved to the bitterroot valley.
I usually try to practice "attitudes of gratitude" to keep me content.
Nothing doing these days.
So, enter in guilt because I "should" be grateful.
After all, look at what I've got!!!!!
I appear to have the world by the tail.
Ashes. It is all dung.
I want more. Not stuff. Not power. Maybe love. Maybe peace.

A few years ago my brother gave me a book called "Sacred romance".
In it was described the awful yearning we have for so many things material, spiritual, emotional, or otherwise that even once attained will never make us happy or help us feel whole or transformed or satisfied.
It spoke of a truth that we were never meant to achieve this romantic ideal on earth.
Ain't gonna happen.
Not supposed to.
God created us to be basically discontent on earth so we would always long for heaven and home (for Himself).
I don't know if I missed the point in the book but its what I came away with.
So, here again I am hearing this idea.
"embrace divine discontentment".
Is there some way to do this without resigning to life?
Twelve step recovery groups have a saying...Acceptance of life on lifes terms.....
the key to serenity.

I think that discontent has always been a sickness with me.
How many times have I moved from one town to another, one house to another,
one state to another?
What am I looking for?
Heaven on earth I guess.
The truth to know here and embrace I guess, is that the fairy tale just isn't true.
"They lived happily ever after" happens after I die.
Heaven embodies all that I yearn for in life.
So,The happiest I may ever be in my life is when I stop seeking it.
The most peaceful I will ever be is when I stop expecting order.
The most love I will ever receive is when I stop demanding of it.
It is hard to let a dream die.
I have believed so hard in a fantasy that it now becomes a monumental thing to say goodbye to it. "It" is nothing terribly specific but idealism lives in my brain
like a treasured worn out photograph sitting in the palm of my hand.
I must tear it up.
God help me to tear it up.

Counseling

I see a counselor.
I have for years off and on.
I have felt embarrassed of this in the past.
But I have come to understand that there is no shame in it.
The shame is on those who see no benefit of having one person in their life that could give insight and advice and would be allowed to "speak into" their lives.
This not being just a friend. Not to negate their importance
but friends don't always have the same experience and wisdom necessary for growth.
A mentor would be good too.
One who is older and wiser and whom you are willing to divulge all the dirty details to that won't laugh along like its OK stuff to do and won't condemn either.
One who's goal it is to help you grow.
If we don't have one like this in our life it is a sad thing.
We stagnate, we remain children forever.

It is phenominal, this need we human beings have to appear balanced and mentally healthy and spiritually sound and generally just allright......"So just leave me alone Damnit! and keep your judgements to yourself" attitude.......Right?
I am reminded how this pride is so much the original sin.
Didn't we eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because
we wanted to be like God?
Well, we are now. In amazing ways to behold.
And we were cast out of our comfy little bubble of protection.
He gave us this knoweledge and we will never feel secure again.
Not mentally healthy nor spiritually sound ever. Not to the degree that will ever allow us the priviledge of saying "I'm allright" or "I don't need you" or "I don't need to change". We are left with the constant desire to run our own lives and a battle with our pride that drives us to amazing degrees of addiction or oblivious denial, encrusted in armour so thick that no one may penetrate our souls.
Dare you say this is not you?

Well, it is me. It will always be me no matter how much growth I have.
The battle will never be over.
Humility, I have heard said often, is having an accurate assesment of oneself.
Well, this is not a goal to be arrived at.
Especially if I remain inside my own mind and world.
I need others to be a mirror for me.
Some mirrors are like that of a fun house.
Don't look for crying out loud!!!!
Back to that counselor or mentor.
Dare to trust another. Dare to change. Dare to look at yourself through the eyes of another trusted soul.
Dare to ask God to send you someone.
And just do it.
Speak.
*****End of sermon*******
So, I am seeing this counselor.
I just went yesterday so its on the brain.
When I left I just kept crying for sheer gratefulness.
I have found a counselor that listens to my soul.
But this person also reveals me in such a gentle way.
I am not so shocked to find out who I am in the fault department.
I am blessed to be praised and shown also what my strengths are.
I've really just been too scared to let anyone in for a while now and wanted everyone to leave me alone and keep their judgements to theirselves damnit!
But my need and my anger and my pride and my hurt got so great that I was forced to seek counseling once again.
How did I get so far off track that I believed I could be the God of my life again.
Ah counselors.. the blessed paid friend and mentor who is necessary in a world that is too scared to reach out to a fellow man.
Yup, thats me..too scared.
But I am getting better all the time.

Last night was Halloween

Last night must have been Halloween because I was not myself and either was anyone
else.
We were all running around masquerading as other personalities.
My husband was a jock.
My brother in law was a scary man.
My mother was a ghost
My sister was the village idiot.
And I was the bride of Frankenstein.
My world was upside down.

It all began when the sun set. The transformation of all the characters in my life for the day was about to take place. The important event of the evening was about to begin. Football. I left my soon-to-be unGodly house of horror before it could get started. Went straight to the most sanctuary I could imagine in my life. Mother. When I get there my husbands brother is just arriving at my mom's house having had a mix up in communication with my husband as to where to meet for this heathen ritual. I say to him that its at our house and try to direct him from where we were. He is exasperated and a little angry. I am not accustomed to that from him. I watch him drive away up the wrong street and follow after. I get in his way on the road so he won't miss me and it appears he is going to drive right into the side of my car, such a hurry he was in. He is inches away from my vehicle and I barely get the words out "follow me" and he is moving on so I pull my car out fast and lead the way to my house. He is definitely not himself. In the car on the way to a restaurant my mother informs me that my sister has decided to go back to the devil himself(her abusive husband)and that she, my mother, had cried most of the day. Sitting in the restaurant I am stunned by bad news and my mother is only a pale shade of herself. I feel cold and shivery all through the meal as the hostess has seated us somewhat near the door. We leave eventually to go to her house and pass a little more time until the show of caveman fighting-for-the-ball, is over. She pulls out a movie she had made of us children when we were young.
I sit and relax knowing what to expect and feel comforted. But at the end I am
jolted into suffocation by the added footage of my marriage to my first husband.
In those few short scenes I am reaquainted with my past of friends and X loves as they were all in attendence. I am very upset by now with emotions I cannot explain and my mouth is saying "Oh my God, Oh, Oh my God. I feel like I can't breath"
My heart is racing and my head is reeling and I want to shut it off and I also want to see it all again.
I remember that I loved this brilliant, crazy, abusive man.
I was the bride of Frankenstein.
I want to freeze every frame. Simultaneously I never ever want to remember a bit of it but pandora's box has been opened. Could my world be more strange than at the moment I wondered? Nothing is right. I'm driving home in the dark and want to keep on driving. I am listening to some song on the radio that has a heavy beat and I am trying to get lost in its sedating rythym. I get home and there are too many cars in the driveway and I have to park on the lawn. I am lost. I am not home.
It is Halloween night and my husband is a jock.
My brother in law is a scary man.
My mother is a ghost.
My sister is a village idiot.
I am the bride of Frankenstein.
I go to sleep with no comfort to give and none to receive for I would not take it from a jock. My choice.
I go to sleep and I am dreaming of marriage and weddings and I dream I have found the perfect man until I am about to wed and I find that he is a woman. A beautiful woman.
I am so confused in my dream.
I wake.
Nothing is normal this morning for me.
I Look for rightness in my world and I find cold and wind outside.
Then I realize........
Today is October 31st and Tonight is HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday Morning Blog Blog Blog

So, last night my daughter called me with a crisis.
I was sitting in the car with my mother and husband at the time.
Cell phones create a whole new world of eavesdropping opportunities that allow us
to find out how others live and communicate.
I was a little bit, just a little bit, inconvenienced as I wanted to talk on the way home with MY mother.
But everytime I hear the subject matter my daughter wishes to discuss I inevitably
get caught up in the drama.
I feel what she feels and I worry for a while.
Objectivity hard to find, I still regale her with my best objective advice because
I think that is what she wants from me.
I am pretty sure of that.
I am not always sure, however, that I am right but when my mothers voice in the back round is heard cheering me on I think, "Oh good. She agrees".
The conversation starts to wind down and my daughter starts to feel a little better,
I think.
So, as I am listening to my daughter talk about more chit chat type of things my
listening ear is distracted by my mothers conversation with my husband.
She is saying that she finds it so jarring and strange to hear me counseling my own daughter and to realize that I am a mother with a daughter of my own.
She says I will always be her baby and she does not really comprehend how old I am.
I am 44 years old and my daughter is 25 and she has a daughter who is 6.
I am feeling old.
So, does this shock to my mothers system mean that no matter how old you get you
never really get it?
She has been staring at me a lot lately.
I know she is proud of her beautiful daughters but I think I see a new look in her eyes.
Maybe she is comprehending more and more what little time there is left.
I don't think on it too often.
But I am looking at her more and more and realizing that time is going too fast.
We don't have forever on earth.
I cannot fathom life on this earth without her.
Sometimes she looks so young to me.
Especially in shadows with light behind her.
I think it unfair that we cannot be like Merlin and youthen as time goes by and end
with newness of life as we head toward eternity.
Afterall, newness is where we are headed at the end of our age if we believe in Christ.
Anyway, I see you mother.
I know you see me.
I love you so and I am trying not to take one moment for granted.
Thank you for giving me a life in God that assures us that we won't be parted
forever when the time comes for you to leave us.

Good Question

I have been challenged just lately with the comment that
"whatever you imagine you need to do to get God's love and pleasure is the very thing you will expect of others." (They will need to do the same things to please
you and God.) I guess that is what was meant by what I heard.

So, I've been thinking.......OH NO! dangerous thing.
My husband can tell you.

I have a hard time with this thought.
I have asked myself over and over what it is I think I have to do to earn God's love.
I know for sure that I feel loved by Him when He is paying me special attention.
I love to get God's attention. Hmm...By being bad?
Getting myself into a fix that only he can make right? Hmmm...
The speaker said that he needed to be good at sports to earn his Daddy's appoval.
So as an adult it was basically anything he did well and earned man's attention was getting attention from God. He measured his performance.
I think we all do this from habit somewhat. No matter the motive.
But I know there lurks inside a secret way I have of getting Gods approval.

Soooo if my childhood was fraught with abuse for the slightest infractions and otherwise basic invisibility.....
And we are known to view God like our earthly father.......
I would say that I must need to behave impeccably and be stunningly noticable.
But do I really think that makes God pleased?
Maybe.
And do I need my significant others to behave this way too?
I asked it of my children. Hmmm........
I may be on to something.
What do you do?

Poem from 2002

THE ABYSS

WHEN ALL THAT WAS HOPE IS DARKNESS
AND ALL THAT WAS DREAMT IS ASLEEP AND
I STAND ON THE BALCONY LOOKING OUT;
LOOKING BACK AT MINUTES, YEARS, WASTED
PEERING INTO MIRRORS OF MEASURE;
STEPPING ON SCALES OF VALUE AND WORTH;
LOOKING INTO EYES BEFORE MINE;
EQUALLY LOST IN BARREN LANDS OF RAGE AND SELF-DISGUST;
WRITHING IN SLICK MUDS OF NARCISSISM;
THEN WILL I LOOK FURTHER
OVER THE EDGE
INTO THE ABYSS OF
DESPERATION THAT IS HELD BACK BY LITTLE MORE THAN THE
WOOD RAILING PRESSED IN AGAINST MY SIDE
AND THERE
IN THE DARK OF MY FAILURE
WILL BE THAT WARM, FORGIVING BREEZE
RISING UP FROM THE VALLEY TO CUP MY FACE
AND BRUSH BACK MY HAIR TENDERLY
LIKE THE WEATHERED AND GENTLE HANDS OF JESUS.

Confessions of a Recovering, Vain Egomaniac

I am a beautiful woman. Ask God why. I did not ask for it.
I was unloved and rejected by my father. Ask God why. I did not ask for it.
The results........so typical.
Now I am in constant acquaintance with vain egomania.
Early on I learned that the way to get any attention at all was to be as pleasing as possible.
I was not sexy. I did not wear makeup until I was 18.
I did not even know how to flirt.
But I knew how to make you feel good.
It did not hurt that I was so physically endowed on the upper level but at such a young age it was still a mystery to me what ardent pursual it invoked.
I thought I was ugly. I knew I was fat.
Why then, were my friends jealous of me?
"You think you should have all the boyfriends" they would say to me.
I did think that.
But I really would rather have had my father love me.
I did not know what was attracting these boys.......and men.
I know now.
I needed you.
I needed each and every one of you to love me and it was written out in bold
letters on the front and back of my shirt.
What an aphrodisiac.
And I WAS beautiful but did not know it.
So convinced was I of my uselessness and homliness.
Then at age 15 or so I was literally taught the art of flirtation.
What a useful tool!!!
Then at 18 I discovered makeup. Another useful tool.
Then I go married.
For seven years I was ugly again, abused and unloved.
And definitely, I was FAT.
As the grip of abuse was loosened by divorce I grew thin and beautiful.
This time, I knew I was beautiful.
I don't know how I knew but I knew certainly.
Dangerous knowledge for one who is so wounded by years of abuse.
Thus began years of the pursuit of love, love, and more love.
Vain love, physical love, mirror love, diet love, jealous love, controlling love.
Obsessions all. But I LOVED them. Strongholds all. But I LOVED them.
This was WHO I was because this was all I knew.
I could not conceive of more value than that within.
It was the only thing that worked for me.
Many years I stayed in denial about the use of my femininity and sensuality to draw men to me. I felt innocent.
Men were scum. All they wanted was one thing anyway.
I could pass off blame to them and be lily white.
It is a secret to certain women who have been abused just how to be so pleasing.
I cannot tell you how it works.
It has mystified many including myself.
And then, there is so much that I am not responsible for.

A short story.....
One day I was talking with my sister in law and she told me that she thought I was responsible for ALL the attention I got. I brought it on she said.
I was in denial still so I argued. But I still knew that I need not try sooo hard. There were many flirtations that day.
She pointed that out. But one incident happened when we
came out of the drug store and we slipped into my car. We were
pulling out and around the corner. A couple of guys waved at us
excitedly and so we waved back. She asked, "do you know those guys?"
She asked this with exasperation in her voice.
No. I didn't. I seized this opportunity
to say SEE???????? It isn't always me.
Guys just love beautiful women. And after all,
she was in the car too. Guilty! She is beautiful too.

The End

Years have passed and God has revealed to me my inner heart.
The woundedness is fading but I am left with some risidual effects.
I am still afraid of rejection to a point but now I am confrontive and bold.
I won't do things I should not to please you. (Most of the time)
I don't believe your love will complete me.
I know that my beauty comes from God and it is deeper than my skin.
Who I am is NOT what I do or what I look like.
God heals me more and more everyday.
I am more reliable and trustworthy and responsible.

There is only one thing left.......my makeup.
If that ever gets taken away I will really hurt bad.
The withdrawal symptoms would rival that of the worst case alcoholic.
Women, I know you can relate. Confess.
Lord, bless and heal all the vain egomaniac women of the world.
Thank you God for what you are working in me.
Don't stop.

My daughters & Grandaughter