Confessions of a Recovering, Vain Egomaniac

I am a beautiful woman. Ask God why. I did not ask for it.
I was unloved and rejected by my father. Ask God why. I did not ask for it.
The results........so typical.
Now I am in constant acquaintance with vain egomania.
Early on I learned that the way to get any attention at all was to be as pleasing as possible.
I was not sexy. I did not wear makeup until I was 18.
I did not even know how to flirt.
But I knew how to make you feel good.
It did not hurt that I was so physically endowed on the upper level but at such a young age it was still a mystery to me what ardent pursual it invoked.
I thought I was ugly. I knew I was fat.
Why then, were my friends jealous of me?
"You think you should have all the boyfriends" they would say to me.
I did think that.
But I really would rather have had my father love me.
I did not know what was attracting these boys.......and men.
I know now.
I needed you.
I needed each and every one of you to love me and it was written out in bold
letters on the front and back of my shirt.
What an aphrodisiac.
And I WAS beautiful but did not know it.
So convinced was I of my uselessness and homliness.
Then at age 15 or so I was literally taught the art of flirtation.
What a useful tool!!!
Then at 18 I discovered makeup. Another useful tool.
Then I go married.
For seven years I was ugly again, abused and unloved.
And definitely, I was FAT.
As the grip of abuse was loosened by divorce I grew thin and beautiful.
This time, I knew I was beautiful.
I don't know how I knew but I knew certainly.
Dangerous knowledge for one who is so wounded by years of abuse.
Thus began years of the pursuit of love, love, and more love.
Vain love, physical love, mirror love, diet love, jealous love, controlling love.
Obsessions all. But I LOVED them. Strongholds all. But I LOVED them.
This was WHO I was because this was all I knew.
I could not conceive of more value than that within.
It was the only thing that worked for me.
Many years I stayed in denial about the use of my femininity and sensuality to draw men to me. I felt innocent.
Men were scum. All they wanted was one thing anyway.
I could pass off blame to them and be lily white.
It is a secret to certain women who have been abused just how to be so pleasing.
I cannot tell you how it works.
It has mystified many including myself.
And then, there is so much that I am not responsible for.

A short story.....
One day I was talking with my sister in law and she told me that she thought I was responsible for ALL the attention I got. I brought it on she said.
I was in denial still so I argued. But I still knew that I need not try sooo hard. There were many flirtations that day.
She pointed that out. But one incident happened when we
came out of the drug store and we slipped into my car. We were
pulling out and around the corner. A couple of guys waved at us
excitedly and so we waved back. She asked, "do you know those guys?"
She asked this with exasperation in her voice.
No. I didn't. I seized this opportunity
to say SEE???????? It isn't always me.
Guys just love beautiful women. And after all,
she was in the car too. Guilty! She is beautiful too.

The End

Years have passed and God has revealed to me my inner heart.
The woundedness is fading but I am left with some risidual effects.
I am still afraid of rejection to a point but now I am confrontive and bold.
I won't do things I should not to please you. (Most of the time)
I don't believe your love will complete me.
I know that my beauty comes from God and it is deeper than my skin.
Who I am is NOT what I do or what I look like.
God heals me more and more everyday.
I am more reliable and trustworthy and responsible.

There is only one thing left.......my makeup.
If that ever gets taken away I will really hurt bad.
The withdrawal symptoms would rival that of the worst case alcoholic.
Women, I know you can relate. Confess.
Lord, bless and heal all the vain egomaniac women of the world.
Thank you God for what you are working in me.
Don't stop.