Loss
About 6 months ago I had to endure a grief I have not felt since my dad died.
Our family cat was put to sleep.
I watched.
I died over and over in my head for about two weeks as I relived the sight of his last breath slipping away.
Why does grief feel like WE are dying when we still live on?
About 4 1/2 months ago I got a new kitten.
We named him Cody, short for Codependent because he was so clingy and affectionate.
What a sweet replacement.
Just what my heart had needed.
Yesterday he was lost.
Today I die again.
It took all evening and morning before the truth would settle in.
I was looking for something in my office and thought I heard his typical feeble squeak (my cat does not meow) from under my bed.
Reality shot through me as hope seered through my brain.
I started calling everywhere and looking in closets and places he couldn't possibly be. Then I broke. I am screaming and sobbing and making foreign gutteral sounds.
It feels like death. But I am not dying.
I am living. I am living in pain.
All the joy of this week has been erased in one fell swoop.
And if I feel this pain am I not trusting God?
Am I not one with God?
Heaven knows......
I am closer to Jesus Christ than I have ever been.
I know more than ever what the heart of God is.
How he suffers over the loss and want of us.
He lets us out like kittens through the front door to live our lives.
Always hoping we will come back.
But sometimes we just don't.
May I always allow myself this time of sorrow and not fetter it with guilt
and doubt. "In this world you will have trouble" was a pretty accurate statement
that Jesus made. I cannot fix it. I cannot do anything but cry and go through that blessed cycle of recovery. But the difference now for me is that I know better than to fall in to self-pity and make such self defeating statements as "life sucks"
and "I wish I could die".
God is good.
All the time.
So, I just went outside to get another log for the fire.
My cat is not there.
I sign off now because my eyes are blinded by tears.
Our family cat was put to sleep.
I watched.
I died over and over in my head for about two weeks as I relived the sight of his last breath slipping away.
Why does grief feel like WE are dying when we still live on?
About 4 1/2 months ago I got a new kitten.
We named him Cody, short for Codependent because he was so clingy and affectionate.
What a sweet replacement.
Just what my heart had needed.
Yesterday he was lost.
Today I die again.
It took all evening and morning before the truth would settle in.
I was looking for something in my office and thought I heard his typical feeble squeak (my cat does not meow) from under my bed.
Reality shot through me as hope seered through my brain.
I started calling everywhere and looking in closets and places he couldn't possibly be. Then I broke. I am screaming and sobbing and making foreign gutteral sounds.
It feels like death. But I am not dying.
I am living. I am living in pain.
All the joy of this week has been erased in one fell swoop.
And if I feel this pain am I not trusting God?
Am I not one with God?
Heaven knows......
I am closer to Jesus Christ than I have ever been.
I know more than ever what the heart of God is.
How he suffers over the loss and want of us.
He lets us out like kittens through the front door to live our lives.
Always hoping we will come back.
But sometimes we just don't.
May I always allow myself this time of sorrow and not fetter it with guilt
and doubt. "In this world you will have trouble" was a pretty accurate statement
that Jesus made. I cannot fix it. I cannot do anything but cry and go through that blessed cycle of recovery. But the difference now for me is that I know better than to fall in to self-pity and make such self defeating statements as "life sucks"
and "I wish I could die".
God is good.
All the time.
So, I just went outside to get another log for the fire.
My cat is not there.
I sign off now because my eyes are blinded by tears.
posted by Becky Nelson @ 9:18 AM
4 Comments:
At 7:11 PM,
Jacob said…
Must you make me cry? Injustice plagued my mind all day, until I received your message at work. Thank God. Whew.
Great allusion... the sheep thing is just too passe, we are now to be noted as kittens. Not to make light of it, but hey, good news did come calling, so...
At 7:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
I hate that feeling. I've felt it only a few times in my life when the pain of loss was so deep I couldn't begin to express it. I've even made those same gutteral cries you described because it just hurt so bad but nothing could make me feel any better, nothing. It was such a huge emptiness. I'm convinced that Hell will consist of this same feeling.
Fortunately, time does seem to help and God does step in. But he allows all of this so that we will yearn for him all the more and long for the day when there will be no more pain and he will satisfy forever.
At 6:45 AM,
Becky Nelson said…
Thanks guys.
I love you.
At 8:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. I'm very sorry for your loss. Just 4 days ago I lost my dog (boarder collie/german shepard mix)LadyBear, she was 14 1/2 years old. She followed me around all those years. She would lay by my bed at night. And nudge my hand when she needed to go outside. For the past 5 months Lady has been helping to house train out Shitzu named Molly B. She looks exactly like an ewok on Star Wars Movie.
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