Rejection

I'm not sure my age when it happened.
Thirteen, fourteen...fifteen?
You know, that age when you feel like everything you do is done blindfolded;
bumbling, shy and stupid?
I was particularly aware of such clumsy insecurity in the context of my youth group.
I felt fat and unworthy of any popularity or attention.
But it did not stop my desire to get it.
I latched on to some "friends" at the time that were not really my friends for the simple fact that they gave me the smallest credit for being alive.
I felt a beggar. I acted a beggar.
At that same time in my life I had a major crush on a young man from my youth group named Bruno.
Ever true I was attracted to the "troubled" sort of boys and thought this one uniquely exciting. And cute? Oh yes, indeed.
Short in height, dark hair and eyes and dark complexion.
Mysterious. Trouble.
I told my "friends" how much I liked this boy.
I was too shy to tell him so I relied upon an offer by my "friends" to let him know.
Up till that time I had received no attention from Bruno.
But one night at youth group we took a field trip that called for a ride in
"the Van".
We all squished in and as luck would have it I was right next to Bruno.
I was breathless and frightened and thrilled to no end.
Since the van was crammed it was pure joy for me to have my shoulder and arm pressed hard against his!
The absolute climax of the evening was when he reached over and took my hand!!!!!!!
"He must like me", I thrilled in thought.
This was too good to be true.
Sure, and it was; too good to be true.
For the very next day as I expounded on the tiny details of the story to my
"friends" they looked at one another slyly and busted out laughing as one of the girls explained carelessly that it was all a set up.
Bruno cared nothing for me but was playing along with their joke.
I wish I could recall for you and for myself what I did next;
what I thought, what I felt.
I don't remember. I'm good at that.
But I have a vague feeling of a memory of hate that followed me through the years.
I never forgave these girls.
They were not my friends.
Not only was the hoax about the boy but about my friendships too.
I stood betrayed by them all in one fell swoop;
my first real experience with cruelty for cruelty's sake.
Only four years ago did I find forgiveness for them.
For years I pictured revenge.
But even as I claim a clearing of the wreckage of my past there still remain
little reminders that bring it back up like bile in my throat.
A word or a deed that bears a resemblence to this event can conjure up the insecurities and the oft repeated words of self condemnation........
"why should anyone like you?".

Forgiveness is a process. As is healing.
When those thoughts and events repeat themselves I must and I do remember
most of the time to take those thoughts captive.
I seize upon the lie and tell myself the truth according to God and according to myself. I will not share those truths now.
But some of that truth is this;
I am lovable. Most of the time, I am lovable.
But when I am not, and a lot of times I am not (by people) I can lean on the knowledge of God's unfailing intimacy with me and total acceptance and concern.

I don't know what led up to this memory just this morning.
I guess it was a small fear of rejection in the group arena.
Last night was homegroup and I caused controversy within.
So what else is new?

Well, even as I wrote this story I had another catch in my throat.
After all these years?
Life can be cruel.
This time, my way of holding captive these thoughts is to share them with you.
Thanks for listening.