Fingernail Fetish

One day I was taking out boxes for Christmas decorating.
I gave some thought to protecting my back by picking up boxes in a correct manner.
I didn't give ANY thought to protecting my acrylic finger nails.
As I picked one up it started to slip out of my hands.
I clutched and clawed to prevent dropping it.
And then "rip" goes my index finger nail.
A layer of my natural nail going with it.
I screamed bloody murder and let out a few colorful words.

My next move was what any normal person would do.
Remove them all.
I got to my nail tech as soon as possible and explained that I had enough.
We discussed my "withdrawal" symptoms that would soon happen as a result of doing without these fine looking alternatives to ugly fingernails and homely hands.
These withdrawal symptoms were something I was familiar with from the past.
I would look around at all these ladies nice looking nails and get finger nail envy.
I just had to have nice looking hands.
You must understand that my fingers are stubby and chubby.
A definite negative to my overall beauty. ;-)
Once I had finally gotten them for the first time I felt all tingly and beautiful.
One particular event I remember made this need for nails all the more necessary.
I was working at a convenience station and stocking shelves with bottles of power
drinks. Some decent looking man came up behind me and out of the blue says to me.
"You have beautiful hands".
I said "thank you" with a sputter and immediately withdrew my hands from sight.
He couldn't be serious, you know.
I mean, I KNEW my hands were ugly.
That cemented the absolute belief that I would not do without them again.

Well, here I am 3 years later and acrylic free!!!
No withdrawal. No regret. No embarrassment.
Just plain relief.
I can type faster. I can pick up coins off my cash counter.
I can open car doors without worry of breakage.
I can pick my nose without worry of nose bleed.

Yes, my hands are pretty homely now.
My nails are cracked and split and kinda dirty looking.
But I do not flinch.
I have not quite figured out why until now.
There was one good result of the acrylic escapade.
I began to believe that my hands were beautiful.
This thought pattern did not leave me.
I have fallen in love with MY hands.
Just because they are mine.
Isn't it all in the way you think?
What you think is what you are I have heard said.
I embrace all that I am as meant to be.
God gave my hands to me.

Maybe I will get acrylics again someday.
I don't know.
But it does not surprise me that this would happen with all my talk about
being real and honest.
Maybe the physical counts too.

Down side to Honesty

Sometimes I'm a jerk.
Shouldn't that be OK with me?
I mean, who am I kidding anyway?
Do I think I have everyone fooled?

If I stew too long in my self hatred, depression and non acceptance of the grace that belongs to me......do I not throw God's gift back in his face?
I am not expected to be perfect.
Why do I expect it of myself?
Why should I be so bummed if people find out who I really am?

Oh pride. I did not know I had so much.
An old friend gave me a bumper sticker for my car that I displayed proudly
saying "It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not." There goes that honesty and 'being real' subject again.

Being real and honest means people will find out my ugly side too.
That is the hardest part.
Sometimes I am ugly and I don't want to know it.
In Gods outstretched hand there is a jar of salve freely given for the wounds I have caused by being a jerk.
The wound of the other and the wound in my pride.
I need to let this salve heal me and bring me to the knowledge of humility.
How would we ever know God's grace if we never knew failure?

Stange, this picture of acheivement I have.
I see myself at a perfect weight, living in a nice big home with perfect privacy
and a well run store with no debt and then... and then........
and then what? I will look perfect? Life will be perfect?
I want to live in this moment and not be driven.
I see it so frequently and not just in myself.
I see us living frantically in the moment just to get to the next one that might be better. Ah well, I jump around now in my thoughts.

My only goal here is to convince myself to lay hold of the grace and the forgiveness that is mine today and be free of the guilt and shame that plagues me.
Because.......its plaguing me. How's that for honesty?

Momma's Birthday

It was my mothers birthday yesterday.
70 years old.
We all forgot.

But the day was redeemed because she reminded us.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease. :-)

It wasn't a case of not caring.
My mother knows we love her. Everyday.

But there is something special about a family gathering.
We gathered.
At Perkins. What a feast!!!!!!!!

We parted ways to get gifts for mom.
We joined up again in a couple of hours and all were tired but pleased to plunk down.

My sister brought a project of homemade-pretzel-making for her sons school assignment.
We gathered round with coffee mugs in hand to watch and were soon drawn in and all were making cool shapes with this doughy substance.
She sprinkled cinnamon sugar on it and guess what? We feasted again.
Save one pretzel for the teacher.

We sat down to give gifts to mom.
She read the card and wept.
She opened the gifts and wept again.
We put the "gift" into the CD player and all sang along to a collection of beloved hymns while visiting around the table.
I looked around at the faces of my family as I sat there singing and felt a rush of gratitude for one of lifes most simple pleasures.
Harbor.

It isn't often that we get to experience this wonder of united hearts without shame or embarrassment of the intimacy that was taking place.
No, it is a gift indeed.
The healing of our lives have brought us to new heights in our relationships.
Years ago this never would have happened.

I know better than to hope that it will last forever, this moment of time in the little valley of Montana.
Times like these come in spurts.
But I am convinced that I will be staying by my mothers side for as long as I can.
Eternity is forever but this life is short.
God is giving me the desires of my heart.

Relief

Yesterday I was in such sadness for so long because of our missing kitty.
I knew I had to drag myself to work and it would not be easy.
Every step I took was so slow and deliberate.
I got stronger as the morning went on.
But as I was reaching for my coat to leave, upon lifting it Codys toy came flying out from under and landed on the floor.
A fresh wave of tears engulfed me and I was thinking "damn, I just put on my makeup".
I made it to work and started to feel a little refreshed.
I was there for about two hours and my husband comes waltzing through the door with a Cody on his shoulder.
I about fainted with joy and relief.
My knees went week as I grabbed for the cat and plopped onto the floor with him.
I cried and exclaimed and questioned.
"Where did you find him?!"
My husband says to me "Well, I prayed and asked God for a word".
Apparently the word was "meow" because that is what he heard next.
Bob had been prowling the area off and on quite a bit not wanting to give up;
looking in strange and unlikely places just like me.
But he wandered down to our chicken coop where the fence ajoins the neighbors yard.
He looked AGAIN in the shed and heard the cry.
My cat does not meow.
Apparently he does meow when times are rough.
But Bob said it was pretty sad sounding.
He looked over the fence and realized the sound was coming from next door so he rounded the fence into the neighbors yard thinking "it has to be him".
He followed the sound and kicked away some leaves and underneath was a skunktrap
with a little Cody in it.
What are the odds?
The odds that it would happen like this in a long ago abandoned cage or that he would even find it.
God is good.
All the time.
And thank you husband for loving this cat as much as I and bringing him back to me.

Loss

About 6 months ago I had to endure a grief I have not felt since my dad died.
Our family cat was put to sleep.
I watched.
I died over and over in my head for about two weeks as I relived the sight of his last breath slipping away.
Why does grief feel like WE are dying when we still live on?
About 4 1/2 months ago I got a new kitten.
We named him Cody, short for Codependent because he was so clingy and affectionate.
What a sweet replacement.
Just what my heart had needed.
Yesterday he was lost.
Today I die again.
It took all evening and morning before the truth would settle in.
I was looking for something in my office and thought I heard his typical feeble squeak (my cat does not meow) from under my bed.
Reality shot through me as hope seered through my brain.
I started calling everywhere and looking in closets and places he couldn't possibly be. Then I broke. I am screaming and sobbing and making foreign gutteral sounds.
It feels like death. But I am not dying.
I am living. I am living in pain.
All the joy of this week has been erased in one fell swoop.
And if I feel this pain am I not trusting God?
Am I not one with God?
Heaven knows......
I am closer to Jesus Christ than I have ever been.
I know more than ever what the heart of God is.
How he suffers over the loss and want of us.
He lets us out like kittens through the front door to live our lives.
Always hoping we will come back.
But sometimes we just don't.

May I always allow myself this time of sorrow and not fetter it with guilt
and doubt. "In this world you will have trouble" was a pretty accurate statement
that Jesus made. I cannot fix it. I cannot do anything but cry and go through that blessed cycle of recovery. But the difference now for me is that I know better than to fall in to self-pity and make such self defeating statements as "life sucks"
and "I wish I could die".
God is good.
All the time.

So, I just went outside to get another log for the fire.
My cat is not there.
I sign off now because my eyes are blinded by tears.

The Waitress

You go to a restaurant.
You always notice the waitress.
She is at least a little bit pretty.
But most of the time very attractive.
She captivates your attention.
She tries to be cute or funny or conversational or very efficient......
Whatever it takes to draw you into her favor.
She works hard on her feet all day so she has your sympathies.
You wonder what she is really like and you must find out if you can draw something different from her than all the rest of the "joes" she waits on.
This will make you special.
You want to win HER favor........
The two of you marry and she is still doing all the same things she did as a waitress but somehow you are not as interested anymore.
She has lost her mystique.
So you both go to a restaurant.
You always notice the waitress.
She is at least a little bit pretty.
But most of the times very attractive.
She captivates your attention.
She tries to be cute or funny or conversational or very efficient.......
Whatever it takes to draw you into her favor.
She works hard on her feet all day so she has your sympathies.
You wonder what she is really like and you must find out if you can draw something
different from her than all the rest of the "joes" she waits on.
This will make you special.
You want to win HER favor........Still?

Yeah, its a sermon I guess

I believe that if I wrote all happy and cheerful thoughts and poems on my blogsite that no one would read them.
Everyone would know I was full of s&%t.
I was told once that the reason we read is so we can relate.
Same reason we talk to one another, I surmize.
So how much could you get from someone who was always sweetness and light and everything is just honky dory.
I don't want to talk to those people.
I know they are full of s&%t.
They are hiding for the sake of appearance.
Or they have been hurt in the past or have been trained from childhood not to
talk about feelings. Whatever the reason, they are useless to me because I have a need to know that my suffering and my pain is something that is "common to man".
Albeit, I may feel some satisfaction in the others downfall so I don't feel so bad about myself. Yes, we do too!!!!! :-)

The thing I am trying to say is that if we hide ourselves from others we do ourselves and others no favor in life.
The most loving thing you can do for another is be real.
Brutally real.
Tell the truth.
Of course, propriety and discretion is called for at times.
But we use this as an excuse far too often.
The intense need for relating that people have is very rarely met.
We are a lonely people.
The busy internet proves it.
But the internet is a poor place to relate because it allows too much anonymity and we are tempted to be false.

A pastor once told me that he needed to not let his congregation know about his struggles and dared not try to be transparent with them.
Why? The congregation would lose trust in him and trust in God.
Oh brother.
Church is the first place you would expect to find honesty and transparency put forth as a worthy example.
It is quite rare to find in any church.
Even the pastors who say they are being transparent and preach about it are still not doing it themselves.
I love my 12 step groups for how opposite they are from church.
"Hi, I am Becky and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater"
Admission of who we are right off the get go automatically puts us equal with eachother and judgement kind of floats out the window.
We all know why we are there.
To overcome what we all know lurks behind every corner in our daily lives.
Its called sin and failure.
Who goes to church to learn how to overcome sin and failure?
No one that I know does.
Most people say they just want to learn more about God.
Since I was 28 years old I have not stepped foot in a church that was not bound for signs and wonders and "feel good" sentiments from God.
Very little was said about character;
That God was powerful enough to set us free truly from addictions and emotional pain.
There was always this magical Holy Spirt experience that you could have that would somehow transform you without you having to lift a finger or a pen or open your mouth for confession of sin.
Well, there is a how and a why of it.
There is a logical spelled out way of freedom from bondage.
In large part, it requires what I have begun saying in my blog.....
Getting real;
Throwing fear away and telling someone who you really are.
And of course there is so much more than what I could write here but.....
I fear I may be preaching or harping.
But if I preach.....maybe that is why I like to blog.
Afterall, when will anyone else get a chance if there is only one man hogging the pulpit of every church.

Heaven?

Is heaven a place to go?
Or is it a state of being?

Is it an appointed time and place of perfection that God has planned for us?
Or a possibility within our reach at this very moment?

The question to this answer is the crux of the whole matter of
"Heaven on earth".

Is "thy kingdom come" a prayer for heaven to be placed on earth now or an asking for and proclamation of the inevitable future?

Are some saying and believing that God meant for heaven to actually be on earth now as it is spoken of in scripture as -no more tears, no more sadness, no more sin, no more sickness, no more hatred between brothers, and perfect oneness with Christ?

Can the enemy be destroyed before Christ comes back?

Just what are you saying anyway?

Paul the apostle clearly stated that God would not remove the thorn in his flesh in spite of all faith and prayer. He was content with the answer "no" from God.
Gosh people.........God says no sometimes.
That doesn't sound like heaven to me.

I believe that Christ lives in me.
I am made perfect in Him. (righteous)
Therefore his Kingdom lives in me.
I am a "piece" and "part" of heaven that is invading earth.
But I do not make this earth into heaven by my presence just as Jesus did not.
Before Christs coming there will be unthinkable suffering among God's people.
He foretold it. That does not sound like heaven to me.
Heaven is relief from all that.
But heaven can reign in me as an individual.
I may go to my death in great physical agony and still have perfect peace.
Being a christian does not barr suffering and pain.

Gosh people.....Just what are you trying to say?
I'd really like to know.........

I heard it in a meeting.......

There once was a man and his boy that lived in a village in somewheresville.
This man had a fine horse that one day ran away.
The news spread in the village and many commented "Oh how awful this is. You must be devestated."
The man calmly said "I do not know if this is good or bad but I know that it just is."
A week later the horse came back and the reason for its leaving became apparent upon the arrival or 7 mares that came following after. The villagers cried "Wow, what good fortune! This is a very good thing!!!"
The man calmly said "I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I know that it just is."
One day the man's son was riding one of the mares and the horse reared and off tumbled the son who sustained long lasting, serious injuries to his foot and ankle.
Again the villagers expressed their opinion, "This is awful for you. You must feel very discouraged".
The man said his usual response..."I don't know if this is a bad thing or a good thing but I just know that it 'is'.
Weeks later war broke out in their country and all young men were called; except the mans son. Ah, well, we know what the villagers said.
And we know what the man said.
I wonder who had more peace?
The moral of the story?
We are not to judge the circumstances or events of our lives.
But calmly trust that what is, is.....for a reason.

My desk

Divine Discontentment

On Sunday I went to church.
In the sermon the pastor spoke of many things but the words "embrace divine discontentment" jumped out at me.
He said that our discontentment in certain areas isn't always just our difficult cirmcumstances.
Perhaps it is God trying to move us on to more and deeper meaning in our lives.
I paraphrase his words loosely.
But something in that idea made me shed a tear.
Well, actually, I got a golfball in my throat and my eyes watered horrifically and snot ran down the back of my throat. (no one was gonna see me cry)
This idea spoke to me because I keep dealing with this huge discontent in my life
since I moved to the bitterroot valley.
I usually try to practice "attitudes of gratitude" to keep me content.
Nothing doing these days.
So, enter in guilt because I "should" be grateful.
After all, look at what I've got!!!!!
I appear to have the world by the tail.
Ashes. It is all dung.
I want more. Not stuff. Not power. Maybe love. Maybe peace.

A few years ago my brother gave me a book called "Sacred romance".
In it was described the awful yearning we have for so many things material, spiritual, emotional, or otherwise that even once attained will never make us happy or help us feel whole or transformed or satisfied.
It spoke of a truth that we were never meant to achieve this romantic ideal on earth.
Ain't gonna happen.
Not supposed to.
God created us to be basically discontent on earth so we would always long for heaven and home (for Himself).
I don't know if I missed the point in the book but its what I came away with.
So, here again I am hearing this idea.
"embrace divine discontentment".
Is there some way to do this without resigning to life?
Twelve step recovery groups have a saying...Acceptance of life on lifes terms.....
the key to serenity.

I think that discontent has always been a sickness with me.
How many times have I moved from one town to another, one house to another,
one state to another?
What am I looking for?
Heaven on earth I guess.
The truth to know here and embrace I guess, is that the fairy tale just isn't true.
"They lived happily ever after" happens after I die.
Heaven embodies all that I yearn for in life.
So,The happiest I may ever be in my life is when I stop seeking it.
The most peaceful I will ever be is when I stop expecting order.
The most love I will ever receive is when I stop demanding of it.
It is hard to let a dream die.
I have believed so hard in a fantasy that it now becomes a monumental thing to say goodbye to it. "It" is nothing terribly specific but idealism lives in my brain
like a treasured worn out photograph sitting in the palm of my hand.
I must tear it up.
God help me to tear it up.

Counseling

I see a counselor.
I have for years off and on.
I have felt embarrassed of this in the past.
But I have come to understand that there is no shame in it.
The shame is on those who see no benefit of having one person in their life that could give insight and advice and would be allowed to "speak into" their lives.
This not being just a friend. Not to negate their importance
but friends don't always have the same experience and wisdom necessary for growth.
A mentor would be good too.
One who is older and wiser and whom you are willing to divulge all the dirty details to that won't laugh along like its OK stuff to do and won't condemn either.
One who's goal it is to help you grow.
If we don't have one like this in our life it is a sad thing.
We stagnate, we remain children forever.

It is phenominal, this need we human beings have to appear balanced and mentally healthy and spiritually sound and generally just allright......"So just leave me alone Damnit! and keep your judgements to yourself" attitude.......Right?
I am reminded how this pride is so much the original sin.
Didn't we eat of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because
we wanted to be like God?
Well, we are now. In amazing ways to behold.
And we were cast out of our comfy little bubble of protection.
He gave us this knoweledge and we will never feel secure again.
Not mentally healthy nor spiritually sound ever. Not to the degree that will ever allow us the priviledge of saying "I'm allright" or "I don't need you" or "I don't need to change". We are left with the constant desire to run our own lives and a battle with our pride that drives us to amazing degrees of addiction or oblivious denial, encrusted in armour so thick that no one may penetrate our souls.
Dare you say this is not you?

Well, it is me. It will always be me no matter how much growth I have.
The battle will never be over.
Humility, I have heard said often, is having an accurate assesment of oneself.
Well, this is not a goal to be arrived at.
Especially if I remain inside my own mind and world.
I need others to be a mirror for me.
Some mirrors are like that of a fun house.
Don't look for crying out loud!!!!
Back to that counselor or mentor.
Dare to trust another. Dare to change. Dare to look at yourself through the eyes of another trusted soul.
Dare to ask God to send you someone.
And just do it.
Speak.
*****End of sermon*******
So, I am seeing this counselor.
I just went yesterday so its on the brain.
When I left I just kept crying for sheer gratefulness.
I have found a counselor that listens to my soul.
But this person also reveals me in such a gentle way.
I am not so shocked to find out who I am in the fault department.
I am blessed to be praised and shown also what my strengths are.
I've really just been too scared to let anyone in for a while now and wanted everyone to leave me alone and keep their judgements to theirselves damnit!
But my need and my anger and my pride and my hurt got so great that I was forced to seek counseling once again.
How did I get so far off track that I believed I could be the God of my life again.
Ah counselors.. the blessed paid friend and mentor who is necessary in a world that is too scared to reach out to a fellow man.
Yup, thats me..too scared.
But I am getting better all the time.